I just went back and read all of this.

There is a reason why I nuke all of my blogs.  I have my EB journal and really, that's the only place stuff about Deacon needs to be.  I guess I was using LJ as a place for that for awhile. Right joshzilla?  Whatevs.  Most of you don't really care, right?

Hockey starts tonight.  Awesomeness.  My DVR will be working hard.  I am watching The Vampire Diaries (not sure if it's crap or not, but I like Ian Somerhalder.  He is hot.  So is the other guy).  Of course Supernatural, which trumps all else, even Fringe - Zac's show.  Tough shit Zac, I like Fringe but you will have to wait.  He likes Supernatural too though so it's okay.  Then Project Runway and Models of the Runway.  A glorious night for TV. <--- Needs a life.

Tomorrow is our anniversary so in true romantic style we will go out to eat (Melting Pot?  Probably Great Dane) and to Zombieland.  Because that's how we roll, sappy fuckers.  And the Wings play early as we plan our lives around them.  And we don't have Versus anymore anyway (thanks DirecTV).  But we DO have Center Ice (Thanks DirecTV).

So I'm back, maybe I'll write more, maybe not.  I suck at blogging.  I am too distracted by shiny things like other people's blogs, my awesome fantasy football teams, my sucky fantasy hockey team (Bloody hell.  What the fuck?  Worst draft of my life, autodraft would have given me a better team), Apple products, and television shows.

I totally forgot about this place.

But I really don't have anything of interest to say.  Well sorta.

Deacon won't nap today which is good and bad.  Bad because he will be a raging psycho just about the time my dad gets here to visit him.  Good because I'm bored and he is entertaining.  And one can only take so many quizzes on frickin' Facebook.  Perhaps he will go to bed at a reasonable time and we can get back on schedule.  I don't mind 9ish but 11ish is not okay.  He got up at 8 today though so I can't really complain.

I need to go to visit K today to get Dante's ear meds but I can't get ahold of her.  Things have been weird since my birthday when there were issues with her boyfriend.  It just feels like she's pulling away.  Maybe I'm hallucinating.  I guess all I can do is let her know I'm there for her and hope for the best.  I don't hate him, he's not a bad guy at all.  But I don't like what I heard him say that night.  I don't like my friends getting hurt. 

Birthday season has just been weird this year.  Too much fucking drama.  Well Nick's birthday was fun.  Although Jenny and I stayed out too late and got fairly drunk.  I have been feeling restless this summer.  Think I'm gonna go see Sharp and Harkins with Jenny and Josh Thursday.  Hope that will be fun, who knows, whatever.

My neighbor is on my shit list once again.  She is so fucking needy and weird.  She has a warped sense of what our relationship is.  She thinks we're BFFs and we are SO NOT.  Just neighbors.  She is morbidly obese and very ill and does not take care of herself.  She lives in filth.  I am seriously wondering who I should call.  I don't want to piss her off because I'm not sure if she is a total psycho or not, but I'm worried that she is infecting our entire complex with her total grossness.  There are like 200 bags worth of garbage in her place, food and empty soda bottles everywhere, dried cat puke (from who knows when) all over her carpeting, and I don't think she has ever vacuumed so there is cat litter covering every square inch of her place.  It's fucking disgusting.  She paid Zac $150 to put in a new garbage disposal for her and we needed that money.  But the problem was, she never cleaned out her sink when the old one died.  He said it was so fucking gross, like horror movie gross.  Ick.  She is unnaturally attached to my son which icks me out.  She buys him expensive stuff in an attempt to buy my friendship and that is weird.  I told her to lay off, I was totally uncomfortable with that.  She always wants rides to doctor's appointments and will call at very inappropriate times to try to get them.  She has woken us up at least three times in the last month.  I have tried to be curt and set boundaries with her but she is not one to get it.  I am going to have to be a total cunt to her and I don't really want to do that.  I like to be nice, it's just the way I am, but this is getting ridiculous.  She called me three times yesterday to discuss her emergency surgery she is having today and to inform me that she is going to be home for a week and a half.  And I'm like, "oh."  I sound like a heartless bitch.  I should have been documenting this all along for your entertainment.  Then you would see I am not being remotely unreasonable.

Ugh, thanks for listening.  I feel better.

The boy is now screaming, must go.  Will try to update better.

It's alot harder to work part time and be a mom than I thought.  Work is okay.  I shouldn't really bitch about playing with dogs for a living but I sure would rather be home.  Let's hope I can refinance soon and go back to my normal SAHM life.

I am coming out of a baaaaaaaad depression.  I am feeling ok, not awesome.  My doc said that ok is where he wants me to be because awesome can easily lead to too awesome which inevitably ends in awful.  So it's good.

I've really been enjoying my son lately.  Not that I didn't before but this has been an exceptionally wonderful time in our lives.  He is hilarious.  And I really want to make sure that I am soaking it all in every day.  I don't want to look back and think that I spent too much time being stressed out about idiotic things and not enough time memorizing every detail of every moment of my son's life.  I just love him to pieces.

I finally got my car back, seventeen days after I took it in.  It was the heads.  They were cracked and misshapen.  So much so that they fucked up my intake manifold gasket again.  Which had to be replaced again.  Lucky for me, my mechanic felt really bad about the fact that he did not  check the heads when he originally had my engine apart.  He charged me $350.  Even though the parts came to significantly more than that.  And he charged me nothing for labor.  He had the car for so long because his dog was sick.  Badly sick, and I do understand being a dog person and all.  And I adore Jim, this is the first time we've had an issue, and I generally trust him.  So it's all good.  Let's hope that it stays that way.

I am very disappointed in the Packers this evening.  Actually, in reality I am far more pissed off at myself for not starting Tony Romo in my fantasy football league.  I am playing Nick you see.  We are tied for fourth, and he has about eight more points than I do.  I NEED to beat him if I want to have a chance of making the playoffs.  I could have beat him with Romo.  Now it's just a "let's hope Peyton Manning has a fucking awesome game on Sunday."  The Craphammers need your prayers this week.  :)

OK, enough of an update.  I'm tired, my stomach hurts, and I have to work at 6:30 in Middleton tomorrow.  Ick.  So I best be heading off to beddy bye.

I'm taking the car back in on Friday.  It is leaking coolant from somewhere.  This started happening right after I got it fixed the last time.  Please say a prayer to the car gods that it's just a hose or clamp or something.  I can't afford to get it fixed or to buy another car.  That would mean the only car we have is our white trash van.  Thank goodness I am working now.  Please let us catch a break so I can catch my breath.

Was good.  I was pleasantly surprised.  Lots of nice dogs there and the people were cool.  I think I'm going to really like it.

That is all for today.

Well I got to see them today and guess what?  They're freakin' awesome!  I have NO IDEA how she got them - I was there and I know how the session went.  Jenny gave me the sitting as a gift and she was BEYOND generous with the portraits too, I almost cried.  It takes awhile for them to come back - they will retouch them (he had a boo boo on his chin that day) - and they recolor them too.  It was such a relief.  It sucks that Zac had to work so he doesn't get to see them until Thanksgiving but that is a large portion of my Christmas presents taken care of and that is a relief too.

I'm feeling better about going back to work and feeling a little better in general.  I've been psychotically paranoid about my child's development the last two days (because of course things can't just BE, I've got to have something to worry about).  Like he should be talking in sentences or something by now, I'm so sure.  He's thirteen months old - CHILL OUT.  My mom came over today and told me there was nothing wrong with him but something wrong with me (thanks, but she's right) and that I need to tell my doctor that my mom said so.  I sure will.  I see him next Thursday.  I've been forcing myself to get out every day and it helps.  I really needed my mom today and I'm thankful she's close enough to be here for me.  Why can't I just be normal though?  Jesus.

Tomorrow we have playgroup (we've been absent for about a month).  That will be good for him too.  I think the time will work better for us as we try to cut out his morning nap so hopefully there will be no meltdowns tomorrow.  And hopefully he will start doing something new like he usually does after playgroup.  Thursday is also buy comics day so that will be good for us too.  And I'm buying myself a hooray for the new job present too so all in all, tomorrow is looking good.  

Friday I have to go to the post office.  I HAVE TO.  So Maggie and Livvie can have their birthday presents over a month late.  Sometimes I suck.

Thanks to everyone who emailed me or commented about my state of mind.  It really helps to know that you're thinking of me.  I am slowly crawling out of my depression.

I don't know if this sucks out loud or not yet.

I have been really depressed and nobody wants to hear about it hence no posting.

I got the job.  I start the week after next.  This is good because it = more money for our family.  It also = less sleep for the mama.  And I really don't want to be a working mom.  I just don't.  At least Deacon won't have to go to daycare.  And Dante likes me better when I smell like other dogs.  That sounds really gross.

Matt came over today with one of his (boy?) friends.  He was nice.  They were stoned, I could smell it on them.  It made me wistful.  How sad is that?  They brought over a dog that was much nicer than my dog.  Deacon appreciated that.

Shopko is not going to carry beer anymore.  This makes it not my favorite store anymore.  I am strangely sad about that.

I got Deacon's pictures done on Tuesday.  Holy crap was that trying.  He would not stand still and did not appreciate my attempts at making him cooperate.  He bit me on the neck.  Hard enough to leave a mark.  I am eager for him to get some words to express his feelings because that sucked.  For both of us.  I hope Jenny got some good ones because I really don't want to do this again.  He is going to be old enough to understand what's going on before he gets portraits taken again.  I get to see them on Wednesday and I will share if there are any keepers.  He bit me again tonight, more out of curiosity and teething I think.  I'm not liking this phase at all.

He also has a new trick.  He can get onto the recliner by himself.  He can crawl both over the arm and up the seat.  It is hilarious and terrifying.  He is really entering a stage where I can't take my eyes off of him for two seconds.  I have to get it on video because he acts like such a weirdo.  I love that little monkey.

I have a job interview on Monday morning to do doggie daycare.  I've done it before and it's an interesting job to say the least.  Exhausting.  Alot like doing child daycare.  And I don't want to go back to work.  And I don't want to go to work at the ass crack of dawn, but I will to help my family.  DVR is taking it's sweet time in getting back to me.  If she doesn't call me back on Monday, I'm emailing the supervisor because I shouldn't have to call three times in order to make a preliminary appointment.   So we'll see what happens on both fronts.   

Can you believe it?  I truly am awesome.  Zac found a cigarette at work and we split it on day seven.  So one little bout of cheating.  But it tasted nasty and ewww.  SO, only 8 1/2 more weeks to go on the program.  I think we're done for good.  HOORAY!!!

Had some sleeping problems yesterday.  My dad stopped over and kinda messed up naptime, which is okay, I like it when he comes over.  But bedtime wasn't until 11:30 and that's just too late.  Still using the swing.  Afraid not to.  Not sure what we're going to do when he's too big for it, a day that is in my near future.

Not much to report.  Zac's also on day nine of thirteen in a row at work.  Which has sucked for both of us.  Man, has he been crabby.  I can't wait until Tuesday.  But I'm sure he'll want to veg and nothing will get done.  Oh well.

 

You can't let your kid cry it out if they don't cry.  He laid in his crib watching the light show from his toy, which he knows how to turn on and off, for approximately 1 hour without crying or fussing.  Should I have left him there until he fell asleep?  I don't get it.  Then I finally moved him to his swing because he desperately needed a nap and then the crying began.  He cried for about five minutes and fell asleep.  I am so fucked because I can't use the swing much longer and I don't know how the hell else to get this kid to sleep.  Should I put him down at like seven o'clock and let him talk to the ceiling for three hours until he finally wears out?  That doesn't seem like responsible parenting to me.  I mean, he was really effing tired too.  I wish this all were easier.  I haven't a clue.  I hate that feeling.    I feel like I just ignored him for an hour.  And I really hate that.  Some might say he would cry if he wanted me.  Then how do you do CIO?  Because honestly, I would rather slit my wrists daily than listen to my kid cry for more than five minutes.  I feel like I just suck today.

Well I made it through 24 hours without having a nervous breakdown or digging through the butts.  It wasn't so bad either.  I remember thinking when I quit when I found out I was pregnant that it wasn't so bad either.  So I'm just going to hang on to that.   I think the patch is helping me to not turn into a psychotic bitch so that's good.  It feels good to be able to breathe, amazing that comes back so quickly.  And it's awesome not to stink.  Smokers can't tell that they stink because they can't smell.  I remember I could smell my friends a mile away when I was pregnant, and that is embarrassing that I have been walking around like that for the past year.  Ick.  I haven't been eating or drinking excessively so that's good too.  My body is crying for coffee so I was right about the other drug part of it.  I have a doctor's appt. (the fun kind) on October 2 (also my 8th Anniversary) and I can't wait to tell him that I quit.  That is what I am hanging onto right now.  Doing okay with the need.  The habit ones are much harder, especially during naptime, especially on a beautiful 70 degree day.  But I'll manage.  I just have to remember why I am doing this - for my son, for my health, for my future.

I didn't want to post about it but I smoked all last week.  I was stressed with the party and all.  And also I love smoking but it does not love me.  Anyway, I requit today, and this time I mean it.  I'm doing okay too - the patch eliminates the NEEEEEEEEEEEEED for a cigarette, but not the want, but that is manageable.  Zac quit too so we had the whole day today to see how we'd do.  I'm worried about him because alot of his coworkers smoke and his job is stressful, but I KNOW I will succeed.  I think I'm going to end up drinking more coffee than before, because that is just my style to replace one drug with another.  I miss smoking but I am now a non smoker and that is much cooler.

That is all.

No, it's not about anything actual, it's about my fantasy football team, The MadTown Craphammers (I let Zac name them).  I'm having an okay day but I forgot that it makes EVERY game stressful (I mean, it's fun, but who wants to be the chick in last place in a league full of guys?)  I should have played one of my running backs that I had on the bench but he's a rookie and I wanted to see how he did.  He did well.  Yay me.  I also have two of the best QBs in the league so I wonder if anyone is going to try to trade me for one.  I'm thinking that I'm going to be a bitch about it, you can trade me LaDanian Tomlinson or players of his nature or fuck off (now I'm saying that in the best natured possible way.  This is fantasy football after all).  There are two free agents that I MUST have and I'm stressing about whether or not I'll be able to get them.  I am contemplating things like sacrificing sleep and such to try to get them.  And that's just crazy talk (and I don't even know how that works, like that will actually help me get them or something, right).  Ahhh, football.  How I love thee.  

Well you couldn't have asked for a more perfect day weather wise.  And the swarms of mosquitoes miraculously stayed away.  And there was only one bee for Zac to wig out about.  The guest of honor decided the night before that sleep was for wussies and was up from 12:30-4:45 am.  Luckily Daddy stayed up with him so I could function at the party.  Deacon was very well behaved, I couldn't believe it.  He was fantastic.  Daddy managed to operate on a normal level despite being sleep deprived too.

It was a huge turnout.  Thank you to everyone who came early to help out and those who made food and everyone who came.  You guys rock.  The food was amazing, it was great to visit with everyone (however briefly I may have been able to), and the gifts were overwhelming.  Thank you so much.

We managed to get everyone and everything home in one piece.  We finally got everything put away and assembled by 7:30.  Deacon refused to nap and was a pill but at least he behaved when it mattered!!!  I got him to sleep by nine and he actually slept all night long.  He is teething too.  Thank you Tylenol.

So all in all it was a great day.  Here are some pics from the day.

So Deacon weighs 21 pounds, 9 ounces and is 30 inches long (30%, 60%).  They messed up his head measurement so I'm not sure what that was.  We got the go ahead to give peanut butter which rocks, I could live on the stuff.  We also have been liberated from formula so I am extremely thrilled about that.  We talked about sleep training because he is getting too big for his swing.  That is going to be shitty.  Wish I'd have started earlier with some sort of No cry sleep solution or some such.  Whatever.  We talked about development (he is right on track) and the kid clapped for the doctor (something he never does for us).  He got blood drawn for lead testing and hemoglobin to check for anemia.  With all the toy recalls, it never hurts to be overly paranoid and with how picky he is, I thought it a good idea to check for anemia.  He got three shots and goes back 9/19 for three more (I just couldn't do all six in one day - that seemed extreme).  He took it well, all of it, and has been acting pretty normal this afternoon and evening.  Hope that's how it's going to be.  So all is well with the boy.

Dante however...

Not being a good dog.  Not happy with Deacon's mobility.  Not sure what I'm going to have to do. :(

The last few days have been sleeping hell.  I think it's time for us to go down to one nap a day.  Tomorrow with Zac being home, I think I'm going to try to keep him up until 2.  I may just fuck us over, but this late night bedtime has got to stop.  Today Zac got called into work early, Deacon took a normal nap, but late, because he woke up late, because he went to bed after 11.  Then we went to visit Kerry and Eric which was super fun.  We also went and did recon on the park for next Saturday.  That shelter is kick ass and there's all sorts of other things to do there so the party should be awesome.  I thought that would tire the little man out but I thought wrong.  He napped from 6-7:30.  Yeah.  Awesome.  He was tired when he woke up though.  He ate then got a bottle and bed at 9:30.  So far he is just talking to himself, not screaming, but I think I may be pushing my luck to think he's going to sleep so early.  But we'll wait and see.  I have some good movies to watch if it's going to be an allnighter.  And Zac won't be home until late, frickin' chip holidays.  Oh well, it's all good.  Wish us luck for tomorrow and the new naptime.

Tonight is also the anniversary of the night I almost died.  So it's not like I'll be going to sleep early anyway, not without pharmaceutical assistance.  I remember how sick I felt, but I thought that's just how you felt after having a baby.  This was way before I psychotically took my temperature.  I just took it for granted that I was okay.   I may have been alerted to the fact that I was sick as fuck prior to waking up hyperventilating in septic shock.  That was the worst thing ever, the worst week of my life by far.   I never want to see the inside of a hospital ever again.  Which is why I am thinking no more babies for me.  Meriter has kick ass food and awesome L&D and ICU nurses if you ever have the pleasure of going there, but they also release their OB patients septic from time to time, so be wary of that.  The fact that Zac held it together with a brand new baby amazes me.  The fact that they told me that they thought I was going to die amazes me.  *I* knew I wasn't going to die.  The male nurses in the ER were super shitty to me, wish I'd thought to get their names.  I kept wondering why they were telling me that I needed someone with me.  Zac couldn't be there for obvious reasons and I kept thinking that my mom freaking out was not going to be good for either of us.  So I went it alone.  I gotta remember what a tough superchick I am when I am wigging out over little stuff.  Zac told me he never even thought of the possibility of what could happen, even though he didn't hear about my condition for almost five hours.  I think the force of our wills helped to save me.  And the kick ass medical staff of the University of Wisconsin.  And massive amounts of antibiotics.

Anyway, it's a night of reflection.  And hopefully one where one or both of us will sleep.